do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
