Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
