If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
