Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
