Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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