last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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