shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
