mondays should just be called national damage control day
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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