Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
one two three fourrrrnication!
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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