How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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