there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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