Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
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I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
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I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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