I heard we made out
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
