Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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