I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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