Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I came so hard my ears popped.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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