have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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