Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
