Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
