do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
