My vagina just recognized that song.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
