I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
