I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
