Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
