I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
