Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Send help, water and tortillas.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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