my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
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As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
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How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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