I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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