Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
