I cannot find my penis.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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