Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
