Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
