i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
