You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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