I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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