If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
My ATM looks so different sober.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
