so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
