I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
You left your phone here
Wait...
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
