So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
