dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
