I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
