just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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