I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
