I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
