I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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