Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
