She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
