I just threw up on my dentist
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
