OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
