So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
