Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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