she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
