The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I am one with the molecules
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
