the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
