Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
