Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
