I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
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I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
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I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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