Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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